By Nuria Steinberg Recio, LCSW
The holidays can be stressful for many reasons. Many individuals experience difficult emotions like grief, anger, or resentment. My father passed away in February 2021, and this is the first holiday season without him. In my experience as a therapist and losing my father, the holiday season can be one of the most challenging times for individuals who lost a loved one. The reality of grief can create stress, confusion, and emotional pain. It is necessary to understand that accepting and validating your feelings is vital to emotional well-being. By acknowledging and validating your emotions, whether guilt, anger, or grief, you feel they have their place and are all valid. Our feelings guide us.
Start the season with the state of mind of “both and” rather than “either or.” For example, feeling sorrow does not exclude all joy, and celebration does not eliminate all sorrow. During the holidays, it might seem confusing to experience opposing emotions like joy and sadness simultaneously. Be present to the moments of enjoyment, and at the same time, respect your feelings of loss.
When things are hard, we need to practice mindfulness. We need to try to accept what is happening at the moment. In our tradition, we celebrate Christmas Eve, and last Christmas Eve, my father was present. I am preparing for an intense surge of sorrow because he will not be present for our holiday meal. I know this is normal, and I need to work through my feelings and not be afraid to feel my feelings. It is essential to embrace your emotions to process them and work through them instead of repressing or denying them. You must try to accept and allow what is happening now; this is the core of mindfulness.
I learned that I need to make a point to put my needs first. After a loss, social events may create a strain because you may have to act better than you feel to appear socially appropriate. This social splitting can be exhausting, and it is normal. It is essential to monitor your energy and be willing to moderate your social engagements. Also, try to spend time with those with whom you can fully be yourself and who will support you without judgment.
Our nature is to approach pleasure and avoid pain. Many of us are resistant to grief which can create more pain. Make time during the holiday season to approach your pain. Create a ritual that represents the unique relationship you had with the loved one you lost. I listen to my father’s favorite music and repeat specific phrases my father said that remind me of him.
Be aware of overindulgences and of the risk of numbing the feelings of loss through unhealthy escape behaviors. It is difficult to stay in the emotional intensity of grief without some relief, so engage in healthy distractions. Put together a well-being toolkit and explore ideas and suggestions that you might find supportive, for example, journaling, yoga, reading, exercising, meeting with friends, or trying a new recipe. Learn to listen to what you need at the moment and permit yourself to act on it.
Some days I am overwhelmed with sadness, a heavy heart, and a sense of loss; some days, I wake up with a sense of gratitude and joy. Every day, however, I wake up prepared to be curious, approach all interactions with myself and others with compassion, and do what I can to challenge thoughts and beliefs that I do not want to take into my future. Remember always; you grieved because you loved. May you have peace and light as you embrace your story of love and loss this holiday season.
For more information, contact Nuria Steinberg Recio, LCSW, at My Psychiatrist, www.mypsychiatrist.com.
